Never Had the Chants

 Saw this on Facebook and had to share!

Ice Bucket Challenge

I just saw this on Facebook and had to share!

First Time Jesus Was Betrayed

I saw this on "The Argyle Sweater" and had to pass it along...

Share to your Facebook, Google+ and/or Twitter using buttons below!

Conclave Humor

There is lots of stuff flying around facebook.  I thought I'd "share" a couple of things.

Bingo Cards from Catholic Memes.  "Share all the Catholic Memes.  www.CatholicMemes.com"

"Feel free to share and "like" this page for all updates!" Jason Bach Cartoons.

What Is Celibacy?

What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men.

“Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered,

“Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn't it?”

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

Modern Technology

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law recently and I asked my son-in-law if I could borrow a newspaper.

“This is the 21st century, old man,” he said. “We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.”

I'll tell you what, that darn fly never knew what hit it!

Results of Sola Scriptura

A (somewhat dark) humorous look at the results of sola scriptura:

Happy Punday!

Happy Punday! 
-Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
-I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
-How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
-I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
-This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
-I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
-I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
-They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
-PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
-We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
-I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
-Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job 
because she couldn't control her pupils?
-When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
-Broken pencils are pointless.
-What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? 
A thesaurus.
-England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
-I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
-All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
-I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
-Velcro — what a rip off!
-Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
-Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
(From Scott Hahn, courtesy of Kimberly Hahn)

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Moses Stop It!

Have You Found Jesus?

Be Careful How You Ask Questions!

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM. Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? *His last battle. Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? *At the bottom of the page. Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? *Liquid. Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? *Marriage. Q5. What is the main reason for failure? *Exams. Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? *Lunch & dinner. Q7. What looks like half an apple? *The other half. Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? *It will simply become wet. Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping? *No problem, he sleeps at night. Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? *You will never find an elephant that has only one hand. Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? *Very large hands. Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? *No time at all, the wall is already built. Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Cowboy Advice

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM MONTANA COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING. THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103. WHEN HE DIED HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

Costello Buys A Computer

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.

For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I 'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELL O: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'W' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? Do you have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. At no extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)


ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'…….

Last Weekend Was Brought To You By Disney

Yes, the common girl got to marry the Crown Prince - and the evil villain was slain!

 Now we just need the video of the allegedly planned Flash Mob at Ground Zero!  ;-)

(taken from my kid's FB postings)

Here's not-quite-a-Flash-Mob - but spontaneous singing of the National Anthem at Ground Zero:

Oh, and HAPPY STAR WARS DAY!!!

MAY THE 4TH BE WITH YOU!  :-)

Pecans in the Cemetary

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.  One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy.  Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.  As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.  He slowed down to investigate.  Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'

He just knew what it was.  He jumped back on his bike and rode off.  Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard!  Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.'  When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth.  Let's see if we can see the Lord?

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.  The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me.  That's all.  Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done?

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

Squirrels

There were five houses of religion in a small Florida town:

A Presbyterian Church, a Baptist Church, a Methodist Church, a Catholic Church, and a Jewish Synagogue.

All of them were overrun with pesky squirrels.  One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.  After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were pre-destined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery.  The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it.  The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations.  So they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town.  Two days later the squirrels were back.

Now, the Catholic Church came up with a fairly effective solution.  They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.  Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but theirs seemed to be the best solution.   They took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

Irish Vacation

Thought this might brighten your day just a wee bit - sure and begorrah.

While on vacation in Rome , I noticed a marble column in St. Peter's with a golden telephone on it. As a young priest passed by, I asked who the telephone was for. The priest told me it was a direct line to heaven, and if I'd like to call, it would be a thousand dollars. I was amazed, but declined the offer.

Throughout Italy, I kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column. At each, I asked about it and the answer was always the same: It was a direct line to heaven and I could call for a thousand dollars.

Then -
I finished my tour in Ireland. I decided to attend Mass at a local village church. When I walked in the door I noticed the golden telephone. Underneath it there was a sign stating: "DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN: 25 cents." "Father," I said, "I have been all over Italy and in all the cathedrals I visited, I've seen telephones exactly like this one. But the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?" The priest smiled and said, "Darlin', you're in Ireland now. It's a local call."

Happy St. Patrick's Day, A wee bit early is ok!!!

May the good earth be soft under you
when you rest upon it,
and may it rest easy over you when,
at the last, you lay out under it,
And may it rest so lightly over you
that your soul may be out
from under it quickly,
and up, and off,
And be on its way to God.

The Rude Parrot

A little humor for Thanksgiving week... (USA)

Recently I received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!